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[VENT] I'm sorry... — Description
Just some vent art. I've been feeling very strange lately, and it most definitely is about the fact that I'm trans. Nobody hates the fact that I'm trans more than me. I've dealt with so much disappointment from those around me, so many scathing words, not just from them but from me. That doesn't do much for one's self-esteem. When I figured out I was trans, and not just a super masculine, boob hating girl, I cried myself to sleep, and not just on one day. I have prayed for this feeling to go away, and it has only grown stronger.

I wish so badly that I could just be cis; cis boy or girl or whatever, just cis and comfortable. But I can't, because I'm not. If I have to live as a girl, socially forced to wear dresses at certain times, pressured to wear makeup, told to embrace these boulders on my chest, called she/her/miss/girl/lady, I will not live long. Full stop. Everything in that list makes me sick, and I want it gone and off of me.

My parents have told me again and again that I will be punished severely for this, that I'm just being dramatic and needs to cut that out, that the world is polluting my mind, and that they will never, EVER, call me he/him. I will never be their son, only their daughter. They have blamed Tumblr, YouTube, just social media in general, that I think it's ok for me to go against God because it's "fun and trendy."

No. You don't understand, you don't want to understand. You think I like this?? You think I like the fact that what I have felt my entire life is in direct contradiction to what I've been taught my whole life?? I can no more change this then I can change my eye or hair color. Yes, there are colored contacts, but my eyes are still blue under them. Yes, there is dye, but I am still blonde when it grows out again.

I'm trying to help you understand but you just cover your ears and scream to drown me out. You tell me you're mourning the loss of your daughter, and I ask you to at least not mourn her for the rest of my life, and then you say "don't tell me how to mourn." You ask me not to shove my reality down your throat, but you do not cease shoving yours down mine. You say "damn you, Tumblr," as if it has any bearing whatsoever on how I've felt since forever. You say "I can wear a suit and not feel like a man," when you don't feel the everyday pain of dysphoria.

Are you two aware of how much you have hurt me? Are you aware of how much I wanted to die because of all this? Because of what you said? I have actively prayed for God to smite me, smite the filthy sinner where they stand, so they may commit this atrocity no more. "How's this for mourning your daughter? Don't bury me in a dress." and then you probably still would.

Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better if you just disowned me when I first came out, it would've saved all of us a lot of pain. Sure, it would hurt a lot more at first, but then I would know your love is conditional, and that I don't need you. But still we stay, and we hurt every day.

But I can never tell you, because it's all just drama to you. So I don't.

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Sorry to be so negative, everybody. I've just been feeling like lately. Just had to get it out somewhere. You can skip this if you want, it's all the same to me.